What is my life’s worth?
Is it enough what I’m doing?
What else should I do for myself and others?
As my responsibilities increased and I offered little to no love to myself, I felt slowly building inside of me, a torturous lack of self esteem. I started questioning every past action and achievement.
Am I really doing enough?
With the loss of my last grandparent, health issues built up. Living as an expat in the Middle East, away from the family, pushed me in a carousel of guilt. I was not there to nurture them through their loss and I feared that something even worse may happen.
In my anxious days, I felt like a complete wreck.
And what was worse is that I feared judgement so much that I barely spoke about what I was going through. Briefly with few close people but never really opened myself up.
I held a breaking cry inside me for as long as years. And it only deteriorated me further.
What I want to say is that I know now, that we don’t reach this stage from one day to another. We build up these negative patterns inside with every moment when we refuse ourselves care and love.
No one hurt me more than I hurt myself: through debilitating thoughts, through fear of outcome, through self criticism and lastly, through living outside of my present moment.
I don’t even remember some events in my life because I was too busy to worry about them. And on top of that, I exhausted people with my irritated, emotional self.
While I can not bring back all that time, what I can do is to gather strength every day. To remove the layers of guilt and shame and fear, then repaint a bright color over those muddy days.
It’s no easy task to be honest with yourself and answer: What is wrong? How can I fix myself?
But you can do it. As long as you are alive, you can break and remake things and break them and remake them again.
On your way to self love, self confidence and a state of happiness, try to incorporate these positive reminders:
- Everyday you must be conscious of the power of your words and choices.
- In the pursuit of your happiness, you must train yourself to take firm decisions.
- The most important reality is the inward one.
- Expect to be shaken by life but know that you will always find a comeback.
- While fear has its use, it should not become the generator of your life.
You are not alone. We are a whole bunch of people who have no idea how to deal with growing up and loss even long after we have become adults.
But I want you to take a good look at yourself and say:
There is no such thing as a coincidence in the process of my birthing.
I am not brought here only to walk myself to death.
Through me only being, I influence the whole world.
I am needed and while that is a beautiful thing, I have to take responsibility for it.
I believe that what I do, say and think matters.
I deserve to celebrate my life.