It’s been nearly a decade since I embarked on this spiritual journey. It began gradually, with a series of peculiar experiences that initially clashed with my upbringing and societal norms. I always had unique preferences, an insatiable desire to connect with nature, a profound empathy for all living beings, and an early onset of self-awareness, but I somewhat dismissed all the information that was poured inside me throughout my entire life. The outside voices can be very persuasive and the sheltered life is a cozy place to live in.
Understanding this transformation took several years, during which I lost many relationships and made compromises affecting my health and safety. The shift from being extroverted to becoming introverted was both exhausting and fulfilling.
In January 2014, after some turbulence that led to losing my job, I found myself eagerly waiting in a crowded lobby, alongside countless others, for a job interview with a home-based airline. After a two-hour wait in the lobby of a grand hotel with an enormous chandelier resting its weight on my chest, my name was finally called. I eagerly attempted to open the conference room door, only to discover that the handle was jammed.
In a state of anxious uncertainty, I frantically pushed and pulled, bewildered by the situation. Despite my persistent efforts, the door remained stubbornly unyielding. I could hear hurried footsteps approaching from the other side. The person on the opposite end also attempted to open it, and now we were both entangled in a muted struggle, both equally perplexed about the stubbornness of this door.
As you can imagine, I completely flubbed the entire interview. After over ten minutes of trying to open a door, I was completely exhausted, unnerved, and in no mood to answer some of the most ridiculous questions one can ask in an interview. So, there I stood, utterly crushed and financially strained, making my way in a cab to confide in my friends.
Aside from devouring a few glasses of wine, crying on and off, and witnessing my friend’s puppy gnawing on the strap of my purse, my recollection of the evening is quite hazy.
The ensuing night was dreadful. In addition to the throbbing hangover, I couldn’t shake the thought of having to turn to my parents or to anyone for help.
Around 6 in the morning, I awoke to a world that felt anything but welcoming. My eyes were brimming with tears, and I felt as adrift as a stray puppy. I had already almost exhausted my bank account from traveling like a nomad from city to city to interviews, selling a big part of my jewelry, and struggling to find decent rent. As I scrolled through my phone, I suddenly came across an email inviting me to an interview with an airline from the Middle East – and it was set for less than two hours from then! How I had overlooked it was beyond me. Nonetheless, there I was, resolute in my determination to push past the remnants of the night – the drinks, the tears, and the grievances. I swiftly set about ironing my skirt, preparing for what lay ahead.
Three days of utterly bewildering interviews followed, and strangely, I didn’t feel a hint of anxiety. It was as if I had already reached rock bottom, as if I had nothing left to lose. I don’t even think I was all that good in the way I introduced myself to that new world but fast forward two months, I found myself boarding a flight that held the power to entirely reshape the course of my destiny. I got the job and left behind a world that was never the same for me after leaving it.
The concept of absolute power over one’s destiny is a complex and debated philosophical question. Some believe in determinism, the idea that all events, including human actions, are predetermined and inevitable. Others subscribe to the belief in free will, asserting that individuals can make choices independent of external influences.
In reality, our lives are likely shaped by a combination of factors, including our choices, circumstances, and external forces. But, in all of my experiences, regardless of their scale, there was always an element of the “miraculous” present. Throughout it all, I had the sensation that another presence resided within me. It was as if I possessed an intimate, secret companion who consistently made themselves available precisely when I needed them most.
I also came to realize that no matter how much I yearned for certain things, including love, if they weren’t meant for me, they would naturally fade from my life, no matter how hard I clung to them. Unusual occurrences took place that seemed to distance them from my life as if their presence was never meant to be in the first place or as if their contract with me was dissolved. They were drawn away from my journey in the most unpredictable ways. It is as if life said: ” Time to move on from this. You paid your dues.”
Conversely, I also learned that whatever was destined for me would invariably find its way into my life. Regardless of how many mountains,or oceans would be in their way, or my way, a universal force would draw a path for them or for me.
You have to die a few times before you live.
C. Bukowski
THE WONDERMIND 