Why me?

The fear of chaos is universal, yet there will always be individuals destined to navigate through it, willingly or not. It’s an inevitable journey for some, driven by an inner calling that has murmured to them throughout their lives—a whisper, a sense that they might diverge from the norm in certain aspects, a lingering belief that there’s more to existence. Quiet but unceasing, this feeling endures.

It will communicate with you through various means, in diverse environments, and at distinct stages of your life. It might manifest through unconventional interests, a yearning, an inexplicable necessity to seek answers to questions that you’re inclined to ask but are hesitant about, fearing you might come across as peculiar. An affinity for certain movies, books, or philosophical concepts. It could even remain stagnant for years as you immerse yourself in the routines and events of life. Eventually, it might take a more forceful approach. It might manifest through illness, financial setbacks, or even more profound losses. It consistently returns, reminding you that there’s a purpose or something you’re meant to pursue.

The more sheltered and privileged your start in life is, the more challenging it becomes to acknowledge this truth, especially if someone before you has already established a strong framework. You will do what is asked from you. You may choose to follow the blueprint, achieving success in many aspects, yet sensing an innate incompleteness.
Initially, things might seem harmonious until they inevitably unravel, disrupting the seemingly solid structure you believed in. While there were always underlying faults, you chose not to acknowledge them. To do so would have implied a failure in the system.

Regardless of your social circumstances or your successful pursuits, the persistent sensation will escalate into a profound awakening. This journey will be exceptionally solitary, punctuated by periods that will look and feel like profound madness.

After a string of unfortunate events, you’ll find yourself asking, “Why me?“. The terrible, heartbreaking, ever-existing “Why me?”. This question will linger in your mind, accompanied by recurring thoughts about how unlucky you seem to be at times.

After years of being isolated within my thoughts and my share of “bad luck”, I’ve gained a profound understanding of these “whys.” And I have traveled to countries and encountered individuals who share this experience and understanding. Similar to me, they’ve felt misunderstood, adrift, and often perceived as being insane.
Now, more than ever, with the help of experience and over 20 years of diligently maintaining diaries and documenting characters, events, feelings, and desires, my responses to the ‘whys’ are unwavering. I am certain of this answer– “Because you chose this.”
Every step taken, every relationship formed, your main and secondary connections, the set of parents you had, the competitive sibling relationship, experiences encountered, and skill sets acquired – they are all your choices. Whether you remember this or not.
As no one could have executed this task more proficiently than you, you embarked on a journey that might significantly differ from those close to you.
You arrived in this world with the intent to assist in changing patterns, and concepts, to cleanse age-old wounds and conflicts passed through generations, aiming to alter the framework of the world you inhabit. Perhaps you think this action should solidify in some definitive manner, but that isn’t entirely true. You could simply step into a room, take a seat at a table, and radiate your inner energy, potentially benefiting the entire room, or conversely, you can contribute to the room’s imbalances.

Another challenge you’ll encounter is acknowledging to yourself your true worth, recognizing the extent of your strength, and acknowledging your inherent honor. Especially because of the relationship template that you followed through life. That one where there is almost no unconditional love but more of an exchange of services. You may think: “How could I be this special?”
My question is: “Well, why wouldn’t you be?”

In seeking to confine ourselves to the perceived boundaries of our predetermined roles, we downplay our strength and ability to envision beyond society’s limitations. We resist seeing the magnificence of our potential path, often mirroring the choices of those who shaped our beginnings. This stirs frustration and confusion within the inner spirit designed for expansion.
You’ll possess a tremendous amount of energy, yet struggle to channel it effectively, often directing it toward the wrong paths and spaces, causing chaos and imbalance in your life.

A scene from the older, critically acclaimed movie “Moonstruck” hit me recently after rewatching it after a 15-year gap. The first time I watched it, I couldn’t comprehend the agitated dialogue between Loretta and Ronnie. However, revisiting it now, I recognize the astuteness of Loretta’s judgments.

At the film’s outset, Loretta (embodied by the warm and clever Cher) agrees to marry Johnny, not driven by love but by her desire for marriage and Johnny being a decent option. Johnny requests a favor: to invite his estranged brother Ronnie to the wedding.

Ronnie (portrayed by the fervent Nicolas Cage) declines, leading Loretta to confront him at the bakery where he works. During this encounter, Ronnie reveals his prosthetic hand, blaming Johnny for an incident that led to him accidentally severing his own hand in a bread slicer, resulting in his girlfriend leaving him and his entire life falling apart. This prompts Ronnie to erupt in shouts, rage, and dramatic threats.

Following this outburst, Loretta invites herself to Ronnie’s apartment above the bakery. They have a meal, whiskey, talk then share a pivotal moment.
Loretta challenges Ronnie, pointing out his self-deception in attributing his misfortunes to his brother. She suggests that he subconsciously wanted to lose his hand and his girlfriend, viewing it as a means of liberation from the relationship, akin to a wolf chewing off its foot to escape a trap.
In retaliation, Ronnie questions why someone as remarkable as Loretta would marry his hapless brother. He lost his hand due to distraction, and she could potentially lose her head if not careful!

The characters’ interactions mirror the battles we face—choices, self-deception, and the desire for liberation from entrapment. In these intricate dialogues between characters, the essence of our struggles emerges—the battles within ourselves, our relationships, and our understanding of the choices we’ve made. It’s a reflection of the turmoil and depth within us, the unspoken questions, and the ever-evolving quest for meaning and purpose.
It also revealed to me the struggle that individuals possessing immense inner strength can face when they struggle to acknowledge their magnitude, unable to accept that they transcend the confines of their surroundings.

Why you? Because it’s an integral part of your learning journey, and because your very essence was primed to burst forth in a myriad of colors and forms. It’s a choice to land into this chaotic world that evokes illness, ecstasy, and profound sorrow—not for mere enjoyment, but for a greater purpose.
And I know what lies at the culmination of this profoundly perplexing path. It’s bliss—a sense of unity that ebbs and flows like waves, yet its imprint remains etched within you. An extraordinary, overwhelming energy persistently pulsating within, reviving every dormant aspect of your magnificent existence.