Story of a bipolar drifter 

I’m crossing you in style someday
Oh, dream maker, you heartbreaker
Wherever you’re goin’, I’m goin’ your way
Two drifters, off to see the world
There’s such a lot of world to see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me.
Audrey Hepburn see
We’re after the same rainbow’s end, waitin’ ’round the bend
My huckleberry friend, moon river, and me.
Audrey Hepburn

I have been always a drifter. Not only my soul wandered, but my steps were yanked into this world, curious and adventurous, disregarding the risk taken by leaving my comfortable, secure life.
Mostly alone on the journey, I saw people coming and going, teaching me lessons, preparing me for all the mistakes I was going to make, and showing me a way to enjoy happiness and then gracefully and graciously let go of whatever belongs to me no more.
I have rained many rains inside of me, as well I have blossomed and ascended from the most lamentable circumstances.
Only the sky or whatever Source to life is, knows how many nights I have been awake in dark, empty rooms, listening to cars bringing their people to rest, following the glimpses of light, staring into the depth of my core, asking “Where am I heading to?”.
It was never easy, you know.
Being a tourist in your own life, sleeping on the bench of hope only to wake up starved and drained.
Some new elements emerged as well in my psychological structure. I have become accustomed to people being ruthless and shallow, not spending enough time with my family or building memories with the people I enjoy being with.
I have buried parts of myself to survive a world that will not accept me as unconventional. At times, I find myself digging to bring them back to the surface.
I am a dissenter at heart and while I have taught myself discipline, I sometimes have these dreams that I am flying over the top of the hills. I feel the fresh breeze playing in my hair, mesmerizing my skin. The sunrise feels silky, melting the dew, slowly striking the depth of the woods.
It is always the same dream, releasing me from the golden cage I am trapped in. It feels vivid, leaving my forehead sweating and my whole body in a continuous beat.
I wake up with the same questions and while I wait on the side of the bed, I feel this knot in my throat. Whatever is left unsaid, hunts every drawer of the brain, touches every organ, swims through the whole body, and roots itself in a place where it can be felt and remembered.
These days start with me walking numb and barely paying attention to the wonders of the world. My brain feels dull, releasing dusky thoughts, while my heart mutters about the hurricane of emotions.
Sometimes, I manage to make myself aware of all these stages and try to bring my attention to the present.
I close my eyes and try talking to God in my thoughts. I feel that behind my eyelids, I can always find this loving light that burns away my despair.
When I am in my blissful days, my happiness is felt till the leaves of grass. Everything is mesmerizing, lovingly embracing me, sunrays mingling with the clouds, friendly skies keeping me warm.
I wake up on my left side, and it feels like my whole body is sunk in a pleasant, foamy texture. I gaze at the walls as if they will soon reveal a world that I have never known, but always heard of it as being wonderful.
This is how I live: drifting between worlds, searching and only thinking that I have found, asking but waiting for more questions to arise, denying what I am, only to become more of that.

3 thoughts on “Story of a bipolar drifter 

  1. This such a well written post, poetic and beautiful. So true about what you call “drifting”. I have bipolar, and can relate to that big time. When I do feel that side of happiness and joy reaching everyone and everything I try to thank that side of my condition, we have a gift of an intensely vivid way of looking at the world, and I reckon we have to try to be grateful for that when we can. If you ever have any positive stories about mental health please drop me a line and I’ll make a post (sharing your page obviously!). Love everything positive and optimistic outlooks on the world. Big love Isabela X

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, dear friend, for passing by and finding yourself in my story.
      The way you glamoured the bipolarity: “gift of an intensley vivid way of looking at the world” found me smiling. I almost started thinking that no one around sees the beauty of the people who live everything with intensity and bring their heart in every interaction.
      I guess we are lucky. Hey … I think you are truly wonderful. Thank you. Much love. Xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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